through out these years, Russia has become my new home. my friends have become my new family. we have our own reunion dinner, Russian style. festivals and celebrations bring new meaning, celebrated a lil differently from home. despite missing the comfort of home and family, each occasion passed with ease because of the people around me. but this year, the people whom i’ve come to know and love here have graduated. and i found myself, on chinese new year’s eve, buried in ENT notes (because tomorrow is my ENT paper), having reunion dinner by myself, with no CNY plans whatsoever. at one point, it got really depressing. i felt like bursting into tears.

thankfully, soon after, i got to skype with the family. and talking to my mom helped tremendously. but i still couldn’t help but feel the void inside. with everything that has been going on, i felt alone. sad. maybe even a little depressed.

anyway, i do what i always do. pick myself up, brush whatever it is i’m feeling off, trying hard not to think unhappy thoughts. and just when i least expected it, a sweet surprise turned my night around.

to the person who brightened up my night, thank you so much for the thoughtfulness and for this amazingly sweet gesture. you have no idea how badly i needed something like this to cheer me up. because honestly, i wasn’t okay at all. thank you for being there when i needed you most (:

and to the rest of you, i wish you all a very very happy chinese new year. may you all have a great year ahead. God bless you all!

people write songs to speak to others. some songs carry hidden meanings, some brings a message, some gives you courage and strength to move on, and some brings healing to broken hearts. and ross copperman’s holding on and letting go is really something i can relate to.

the lyrics say :

It’s everything you wanted, it’s everything you don’t
It’s one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We’re holding on and letting go

some of you may have been at a crossroad, having to make a tough decision. for those who haven’t, you guys can only imagine the pain of letting something you love go. you can only imagine how difficult it is to have your head and your heart contradict each other. the confusion and dilemma in deciding which to take the lead. the head, your brain or your heart, your feelings. how can something that feels so right be so wrong? what if there’s hope somewhere down the line? what if things can change? what if there is a way? there’s always a chance for a miracle, isn’t there? people change, hearts get softened, nothing is really set in stone. or is it?

each waking day, i’m haunted by these questions. the constant battle between facing harsh reality and believing in the fairytale ending. but i guess we have to remember that there is a really thin line between having hope and faith and being foolishly naive. when in doubt, ALWAYS follow the brain. and in the end of the day, all we can do is pray. pray that tomorrow will be a better day, pray that soon we will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. and trust that even in times that we feel like we’re walking in solitude and in complete darkness, God is always there. even when we don’t deserve it, His grace is sufficient for us.

something else that i keep reminding myself of is that when something is right, it’ll come easy. i won’t have to make excuses and exceptions. i won’t have to find alternatives and think of contingency plans. because when it’s right, everything will just fall into place. everything will fit perfectly like little pieces of a puzzle. i won’t have to try so hard and i’ll just know.

so when the going gets tough, sometimes what you have to do is hold on by letting go.

but what hurts is when it comes from a friend. someone who’s supposedly your close friend. or someone you’ve stood up for when no one would give him or her a chance. it hurts when you go out of your way and put others before yourself only to find that they have nothing but an ugly picture to paint of you. it hurts when you trust someone so much only to see the things he or she are capable of doing out of jealousy.

i don’t care what the world has to say about me. i’ve learnt not to care. but i am human. and their words wounded me. who are you to judge me when you don’t even have your life figured out? who are you to judge my reasons for stepping up to take a position when all you can do is sit and complain about things happening around you? who are you to judge my actions and my life story when you don’t have the slightest clue of the amplitude of hardship i’ve had to face? who are you???

you know my name, but not my story. all you see is just the tip of the iceberg. no one ever sees what happens behind closed doors and no one ever knows what really goes on in anyone’s life. so please, quit being the judgmental jerks that you are and leave me alone.

i just want to be happy and i am not doing anything at anyone’s expense. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. i stand up for what is right and if you push me around, i will stand up for myself.

first off, i want to thank all of you who supported me during the last election and voted for me for the treasury post. it has been a pleasure working with the MSA committee of term 2010-2011.

as we enter a new term, i’d like to run for the same post again. but i shall not write a resume of my past experiences in handling money to convince all of you to vote for me this time. the reason being, as i’ve served in the MSA committee for a year, i realized that the main function i performed wasn’t as a treasurer. instead, what i did was i served as a voice. a voice for the community in Volgograd.

you may be unaware of the fact that the MSA committee meets up to discuss issues and problems related to the students. we brain storm as a group to come up with the best possible solution. therefore, i personally feel that the committee has to be made up of level-headed and far-sighted people. the committee has to be made up of patient leaders who are able to take into account every outcome of every decision and decide which is the wisest path to take. it has to be made up of people who can voice out their opinions but at the same time be open to suggestions of others.

and i believe that this is my strength. i am a person whose thought processes goes many many levels ahead. and i am not afraid to stand up for what is right. i am a fair person and i consider others in my decision making. i believe that i am able to bring a different perspective and a different way of looking at things.

so based on this, i humbly ask all of you to vote for me as the treasurer and give me another chance to serve you guys for yet another academic year. thank you (:

make no mistake and pity me because I don’t get all weepy and sad everyday. it comes and goes like waves crashing hard into you, pushing you back a few steps. but it’s times like these i “curl my toes into the sand trying hard to ground myself”. thank God for family and friends. and of course His word that never ceases to uplift me when I’m at my lowest.

something got me thinking.. which is better; being told a white lie to save your heart from being crushed into tiny little nothings (although deep down you do know it was a lie) OR never being lied to so the trust you have for a certain someone doesn’t get crushed into tiny little nothings? I haven’t quite made up my mind which hurts less.

oh well… it doesn’t really matter anymore. time does heal, although very slowly. baby steps. besides, the grace of my Lord is sufficient for me.

they say find someone whose arms will hold you at your weakest. i don’t have to look far coz i have my dad. while i was still a defenseless newborn, his strong arms cradled me with the purest love, shielding me from the cruel world. and since that day, no matter near or far, my dad’s arms are always open for me.

when i was a toddler, he nursed my scrapes and bruises. he was the first to teach me the law of antiseptics. ahaha. as i grew up, he worked hard. not for himself, but for our family. he finds happiness in our happiness. he saved up for a bungalow. not so that he has a bigger space to live in, but because, his dream is to have a house with a garden for his kids to play in. despite his stressful workload, he sends and picks my mom, my brother and i everyday, without fail.

when i stepped into the teenage years, his protective instincts kicked in full swing. he may not have to worry about his little girl falling down while cycling and coming back with blood and tears running down her cheeks. but he worried about boys. boys that would soon break his baby girl’s heart. so he warned her again and again, set ground rules. but as usual, i failed him, i disobeyed. and even through the times i was horrible to him, when i shouted disrespectfully, when i muttered nasty comebacks under my breath, he never loved me less. and when my own actions reaped its consequences, he wasn’t there to rub it in my face and tell me “i told you so”, instead, he still cradled me. not literally, but emotionally. i remember when i got my heart broken the very first time, my dad left me a love note. a red heart shaped note on which he wrote how much he loved me and how much it kills him to see me hurting. he and my mom pieced my heart back together with love, affection and random late night suppers to help me stop crying.

finally, it came time for me to leave home. he had planned everything so well so that i can pursue my dream of being a doctor. i still remember seeing his tear-filled eyes at the airport. i remember the desperation for one extra moment with me. and when he got to the car, mommy told me that he cried. my daddy, whom i’ve only seen crying once, cried when i left home. he may not be filthy rich, but he has made sure that i live a privileged  life, so that i not only can get what i need, but also what i want.

you see, i can go on and on about things i remember and how much my dad has done for me, about how much he loves me. he has been there for me through it all. and like i said in my facebook, when the whole world fails me and breaks my heart, this is the man who pieces it back together. and through the good times where other’s envy me and try to bring me down, this is the man who rejoices with me. he’s the best dad i could ever ask for. and he is always going to be the number 1 man in my life.

my beloved daddy

i love you so much daddy. thank you so much for every single thing. i appreciate you and i promise to love you the same way you have loved me all these years. happy father’s day.

i'm always gonna be daddy's little girl

anyway, back to the exam topic. i realize that my inspiration for song writing usually creeps up at the height of my exam stress. the last song i composed was when i was in the midst of studying for my anatomy exam one and a half years ago. and the previous was when i was attempting to study for my chemistry exam.

this time, after so long, i managed to finish a song which was half composed. two days before my therapy exam. ahaha. it was when i just couldn’t read anymore, i took the guitar, sat in the balcony and started scribbling lyrics on my exam notes! lol. within minutes i was done. and tadaaa, a really emo song.

the song’s about a relationship that was wrong from the start. a relationship that wasn’t meant to last. a relationship that had to end. it’s about how it’s never easy doing the right thing but in the end, we’ve gotta learn to say goodbye.

i really hope to record this song someday (all my other songs too for that matter). although, the tune is a pretty depressing tune, if you ask me. well coz i am depressed (to a certain extent). i think i might have made my dad teared a little when i played it for him. coz both my mom and him, they know my pain, and they feel it too. i am after all their baby girl (: while i’m at this, i just want to say, thank you dad and mom for being there for me when i need you guys most. and for being so ready to sacrifice for me just to make me smile. i love you all, from the bottom of my heart.

oh by the way, the title of my new song would me “learn to say goodbye”. i’m planning to post and password protect my lyrics. so those who are interested in reading my dark brooding emotional song, you may ask for the password. however, please don’t copy and paste them anywhere else, aite? (:

toodles! and all the best to those who are still having exams!

taken from tumblr