to new beginnings

like everything else in life, being away has its pros and cons. the perks include complete freedom and embracing adulthood, learning to take responsibility for yourself, practicing accountability. the downside…being absolutely homesick. especially at this time of the year. chinese new year. when all your closest family members gather, when your quiet and peaceful home becomes chaotic with non stop chatter and laughter resonating, when there’s endless supply of food that taste so sinful yet heavenly, all you want to do is just hop on the next flight and go home.

through out these years, Russia has become my new home. my friends have become my new family. we have our own reunion dinner, Russian style. festivals and celebrations bring new meaning, celebrated a lil differently from home. despite missing the comfort of home and family, each occasion passed with ease because of the people around me. but this year, the people whom i’ve come to know and love here have graduated. and i found myself, on chinese new year’s eve, buried in ENT notes (because tomorrow is my ENT paper), having reunion dinner by myself, with no CNY plans whatsoever. at one point, it got really depressing. i felt like bursting into tears.

thankfully, soon after, i got to skype with the family. and talking to my mom helped tremendously. but i still couldn’t help but feel the void inside. with everything that has been going on, i felt alone. sad. maybe even a little depressed.

anyway, i do what i always do. pick myself up, brush whatever it is i’m feeling off, trying hard not to think unhappy thoughts. and just when i least expected it, a sweet surprise turned my night around.

to the person who brightened up my night, thank you so much for the thoughtfulness and for this amazingly sweet gesture. you have no idea how badly i needed something like this to cheer me up. because honestly, i wasn’t okay at all. thank you for being there when i needed you most (:

and to the rest of you, i wish you all a very very happy chinese new year. may you all have a great year ahead. God bless you all!

holding on and letting go

Disclaimer : emo post ahead. play this song while reading.

people write songs to speak to others. some songs carry hidden meanings, some brings a message, some gives you courage and strength to move on, and some brings healing to broken hearts. and ross copperman’s holding on and letting go is really something i can relate to.

the lyrics say :

It’s everything you wanted, it’s everything you don’t
It’s one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We’re holding on and letting go

some of you may have been at a crossroad, having to make a tough decision. for those who haven’t, you guys can only imagine the pain of letting something you love go. you can only imagine how difficult it is to have your head and your heart contradict each other. the confusion and dilemma in deciding which to take the lead. the head, your brain or your heart, your feelings. how can something that feels so right be so wrong? what if there’s hope somewhere down the line? what if things can change? what if there is a way? there’s always a chance for a miracle, isn’t there? people change, hearts get softened, nothing is really set in stone. or is it?

each waking day, i’m haunted by these questions. the constant battle between facing harsh reality and believing in the fairytale ending. but i guess we have to remember that there is a really thin line between having hope and faith and being foolishly naive. when in doubt, ALWAYS follow the brain. and in the end of the day, all we can do is pray. pray that tomorrow will be a better day, pray that soon we will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. and trust that even in times that we feel like we’re walking in solitude and in complete darkness, God is always there. even when we don’t deserve it, His grace is sufficient for us.

something else that i keep reminding myself of is that when something is right, it’ll come easy. i won’t have to make excuses and exceptions. i won’t have to find alternatives and think of contingency plans. because when it’s right, everything will just fall into place. everything will fit perfectly like little pieces of a puzzle. i won’t have to try so hard and i’ll just know.

so when the going gets tough, sometimes what you have to do is hold on by letting go.

Tags: emo much?, feelings