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Tags: when there's nothing left to say

to new beginnings

like everything else in life, being away has its pros and cons. the perks include complete freedom and embracing adulthood, learning to take responsibility for yourself, practicing accountability. the downside…being absolutely homesick. especially at this time of the year. chinese new year. when all your closest family members gather, when your quiet and peaceful home becomes chaotic with non stop chatter and laughter resonating, when there’s endless supply of food that taste so sinful yet heavenly, all you want to do is just hop on the next flight and go home.

through out these years, Russia has become my new home. my friends have become my new family. we have our own reunion dinner, Russian style. festivals and celebrations bring new meaning, celebrated a lil differently from home. despite missing the comfort of home and family, each occasion passed with ease because of the people around me. but this year, the people whom i’ve come to know and love here have graduated. and i found myself, on chinese new year’s eve, buried in ENT notes (because tomorrow is my ENT paper), having reunion dinner by myself, with no CNY plans whatsoever. at one point, it got really depressing. i felt like bursting into tears.

thankfully, soon after, i got to skype with the family. and talking to my mom helped tremendously. but i still couldn’t help but feel the void inside. with everything that has been going on, i felt alone. sad. maybe even a little depressed.

anyway, i do what i always do. pick myself up, brush whatever it is i’m feeling off, trying hard not to think unhappy thoughts. and just when i least expected it, a sweet surprise turned my night around.

to the person who brightened up my night, thank you so much for the thoughtfulness and for this amazingly sweet gesture. you have no idea how badly i needed something like this to cheer me up. because honestly, i wasn’t okay at all. thank you for being there when i needed you most (:

and to the rest of you, i wish you all a very very happy chinese new year. may you all have a great year ahead. God bless you all!

holding on and letting go

Disclaimer : emo post ahead. play this song while reading.

people write songs to speak to others. some songs carry hidden meanings, some brings a message, some gives you courage and strength to move on, and some brings healing to broken hearts. and ross copperman’s holding on and letting go is really something i can relate to.

the lyrics say :

It’s everything you wanted, it’s everything you don’t
It’s one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We’re holding on and letting go

some of you may have been at a crossroad, having to make a tough decision. for those who haven’t, you guys can only imagine the pain of letting something you love go. you can only imagine how difficult it is to have your head and your heart contradict each other. the confusion and dilemma in deciding which to take the lead. the head, your brain or your heart, your feelings. how can something that feels so right be so wrong? what if there’s hope somewhere down the line? what if things can change? what if there is a way? there’s always a chance for a miracle, isn’t there? people change, hearts get softened, nothing is really set in stone. or is it?

each waking day, i’m haunted by these questions. the constant battle between facing harsh reality and believing in the fairytale ending. but i guess we have to remember that there is a really thin line between having hope and faith and being foolishly naive. when in doubt, ALWAYS follow the brain. and in the end of the day, all we can do is pray. pray that tomorrow will be a better day, pray that soon we will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. and trust that even in times that we feel like we’re walking in solitude and in complete darkness, God is always there. even when we don’t deserve it, His grace is sufficient for us.

something else that i keep reminding myself of is that when something is right, it’ll come easy. i won’t have to make excuses and exceptions. i won’t have to find alternatives and think of contingency plans. because when it’s right, everything will just fall into place. everything will fit perfectly like little pieces of a puzzle. i won’t have to try so hard and i’ll just know.

so when the going gets tough, sometimes what you have to do is hold on by letting go.

Tags: emo much?, feelings

the cold truth

people aren’t who you think they are. everyone lies, cheats and backstab at some point in their lives. some do it to get ahead in work, some do it to get revenge, some do it to get what they want, and others just do it because they’re horrid people with no conscience. growing up, i think we’ve all learnt to accept that life sometimes gets cruel and harsh. people let you down. they say things that can break you.

but what hurts is when it comes from a friend. someone who’s supposedly your close friend. or someone you’ve stood up for when no one would give him or her a chance. it hurts when you go out of your way and put others before yourself only to find that they have nothing but an ugly picture to paint of you. it hurts when you trust someone so much only to see the things he or she are capable of doing out of jealousy.

i don’t care what the world has to say about me. i’ve learnt not to care. but i am human. and their words wounded me. who are you to judge me when you don’t even have your life figured out? who are you to judge my reasons for stepping up to take a position when all you can do is sit and complain about things happening around you? who are you to judge my actions and my life story when you don’t have the slightest clue of the amplitude of hardship i’ve had to face? who are you???

you know my name, but not my story. all you see is just the tip of the iceberg. no one ever sees what happens behind closed doors and no one ever knows what really goes on in anyone’s life. so please, quit being the judgmental jerks that you are and leave me alone.

i just want to be happy and i am not doing anything at anyone’s expense. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. i stand up for what is right and if you push me around, i will stand up for myself.

Tags: anger and frustration

dear students of VSMU

hello there.

first off, i want to thank all of you who supported me during the last election and voted for me for the treasury post. it has been a pleasure working with the MSA committee of term 2010-2011.

as we enter a new term, i’d like to run for the same post again. but i shall not write a resume of my past experiences in handling money to convince all of you to vote for me this time. the reason being, as i’ve served in the MSA committee for a year, i realized that the main function i performed wasn’t as a treasurer. instead, what i did was i served as a voice. a voice for the community in Volgograd.

you may be unaware of the fact that the MSA committee meets up to discuss issues and problems related to the students. we brain storm as a group to come up with the best possible solution. therefore, i personally feel that the committee has to be made up of level-headed and far-sighted people. the committee has to be made up of patient leaders who are able to take into account every outcome of every decision and decide which is the wisest path to take. it has to be made up of people who can voice out their opinions but at the same time be open to suggestions of others.

and i believe that this is my strength. i am a person whose thought processes goes many many levels ahead. and i am not afraid to stand up for what is right. i am a fair person and i consider others in my decision making. i believe that i am able to bring a different perspective and a different way of looking at things.

so based on this, i humbly ask all of you to vote for me as the treasurer and give me another chance to serve you guys for yet another academic year. thank you (:

selfish decision

I was wrong. remember when I used to tell you that I couldn’t live without you. that’s what I thought. I didn’t think that i’d have it in me to block you out, block the overwhelming emotions. yeah there are times I fall flat on my face finding it plunged into a sea of memories which I don’t want to recall. aside those occasional slip-ups, I CAN live without you.
I am strong enough. I no longer need you to be the pillar I lean on and cling to in times of despair. I no longer feel the need to spill every detail of my day, the good and bad to you. truth is, I miss you, but I don’t need you.
when I told you to stay away, I meant it. typing those three little letters y-e-s in reply to you asking me if I really wanted you to stay away was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. with the heaviest heart I punched “enter” because it’s time I made a decision to protect my heart.
this roller coaster ride, the hot and cold, the tears and laughter, the painful and precious moments have become exhausting. I’m exhausted.
as usual, when I make a step forward, something always comes up to suck me back in. I still care for you. I still love you. when you tell me you’re depressed, all I want to do is be there for you and swallow all the hurt I’m bearing just to make you feel okay. tell me, should I? should I let myself get hurt over and over again to ease your pain when you haven’t treated me with the same decency?
so here’s me saying I love you, but I’m going to be selfish and do something for myself.
I wish you well. take care.

little white lies

saying life is full of ups and downs may sound totally cliché. but it’s so true. this few months have been a rough and bumpy ride, as I’ve already anticipated. somedays I just want to curl into a ball (a position that I literally assume when I’m about to cry my eyes out) at the corner of my bed drowned deep in my comforter, surrounded by fluffy pillows and stuffed animals from people I don’t really want to remember at times. two days ago, that was me.

make no mistake and pity me because I don’t get all weepy and sad everyday. it comes and goes like waves crashing hard into you, pushing you back a few steps. but it’s times like these i “curl my toes into the sand trying hard to ground myself”. thank God for family and friends. and of course His word that never ceases to uplift me when I’m at my lowest.

something got me thinking.. which is better; being told a white lie to save your heart from being crushed into tiny little nothings (although deep down you do know it was a lie) OR never being lied to so the trust you have for a certain someone doesn’t get crushed into tiny little nothings? I haven’t quite made up my mind which hurts less.

oh well… it doesn’t really matter anymore. time does heal, although very slowly. baby steps. besides, the grace of my Lord is sufficient for me.